


Words Left Unsaid

by iamstillwriting (bwhouwant2b)



Series: Chapters of Life [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Break Up, Gen, Getting Back Together, M/M, Reconciliation, Sad Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:48:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25492609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bwhouwant2b/pseuds/iamstillwriting
Summary: Eddie and Buck break up.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Chapters of Life [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882972
Comments: 27
Kudos: 161





	1. Words Left Unsaid

**Author's Note:**

> There is no happy ending here, folk. 
> 
> At least not yet. There might be eventually though.
> 
> Tense changes like a lot I think. Because it's just me and Grammarly beta'ing.

His apartment was silent. Oppressively so. None of the life he’d grown so used to from spending so much time at Eddie’s.

But somehow over the last few weeks, arguing and shutting each other out, pushing each other’s buttons had become normal for them. They couldn’t talk to each other and Buck has no idea when that happened. When they had gone from people who told each other almost everything. To this. To people who would only manage stilted conversations. And even then, only when Christopher was in the room. 

Buck can’t even remember what started it originally. How they’d gone from them to…this. It doesn’t even matter because  _ this _ is where they are. With him in his apartment alone. Just like he had been every night for nearly two weeks now. 

“I can’t do this,” he’d whispered, grabbing his backpack from the spot he’d claimed months ago by the door and walking out. Eddie’s face had flashed with hurt before closing off completely. That look is still the first thing he sees when he closes his eyes. He doesn’t think he’s ever going to stop seeing it. He’d put that look there. He’d caused the hurt when the last thing he’d ever planned to do was hurt Eddie or Christopher. 

And he knows he’s done that too. Hurt Christopher. It had been clear in the little boy’s voice just how hurt he was the last time Buck had spoken to him. When he tried to explain he and Eddie just needed time. When he couldn’t even admit to himself that he and Eddie had broken up. It wasn’t his place to have difficult conversations with Chris anymore. 

That should have been his push to start gathering Eddie and Christopher’s things in his apartment. Boxing them up. But it takes another nearly two weeks before he can manage it. And even then he only manages because Maddie helps. 

They work in silence, though he can see how badly Maddie wants to say something. Question this. Buck appreciates that she doesn’t. 

Everything about packing up the life he, Eddie, and Christopher shared together in this apartment feels wrong. Every toy gets boxed up. Every piece of clothing Eddie left there goes in a box. And while Buck is tempted to keep some, he knows in the end, it’ll hurt too much. 

It’s not until the last box is packed, carefully labeled as Christopher’s and he’s curled in the corner of the couch that the tears he’d been fighting all afternoon finally fall. 

“Evan.” Maddie’s voice is soft and comforting as she wraps her arms around him. It’s so much like when he was a child and his brain felt like it was moving too fast. Buck holds on tight, face buried in Maddie’s neck. It doesn’t matter that he’s been bigger than her for years. The comfort is familiar and he needs it more than he can put into words. 

“I-I love them, Maddie.” It takes an eternity to get the words out. “I…they’re forever.” That had been the plan anyway. Yet they’d let themselves get broken beyond repair. They’d chosen not to talk to each other. Even when it broke their own hearts. 


	2. How Not To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie's fine. If he tells himself that often enough, it has to be true.

It’s fine. He’s fine. And if he tells himself that often enough and firmly enough, it’ll be true. He doesn’t have any other choice expect for it to be true. He has to be fine for Christopher’s sake. 

Christopher, his world, hasn’t said anything about the sudden lack of Buck. But he knows he’s having a hard time with it. How could he not be? Buck is as much Christopher’s best friend as he is Eddie’s. Buck’s the one who helps with projects. And had been teaching him how to cook. And built Lego cities and so many other things Eddie hadn’t even realized. Buck’s as much a parent to that little boy as Eddie is. 

When he watched Buck walk out the door after far too long of shutting each other out or picking at each other for no reason - and now he’s not sure which is worse - he’d been sure the other man would come back. A day or two to cool off and he’d be back. He’d apologize and Eddie would brush it off and they’d go on like nothing happened. 

It was a system that worked for them, even if Frank reminded him it wasn’t healthy. That they needed to actually talk about the things that were bothering them. The things they kept close to the chest.

But Buck hadn’t come back. Not after a couple of days. Not even several weeks later. 

He’d had to explain to Chris that he and Buck were taking time. That sometimes adults needed that. Even as he said it, he knew it was a lie. It wasn’t taking time; they had broken up. They had fallen apart. Even though they’d had plans for the future. For what Eddie hoped would be the rest of their lives. 

Now, he and Buck perform a carefully choreographed dance with Christopher at the center, even though they never actually see each other. Buck will pick Chris up from school or one of his after-school activities, spend a couple hours with him before dropping him off with Carla or sometimes Abuela. And Eddie picks him up from there. Eddie refuses to take Buck from Christopher. He would never, could never do that to his kid. Could never do it to Buck either, but that’s harder to admit.

And it’s fine. He’s fine. Even if Hen and Chim and Bobby have been looking at him like he’s a ticking bomb since boxes carefully labeled in Buck’s handwriting appeared in his living room. He’s fine. 

Except when he’s not. 

Except when he wants nothing more than to text Buck. Wants nothing more than to curl up next to the man. Except when his day has sucked and he knows Buck could easily make him feel better. 

But he forces himself to be fine. He doesn’t have another choice. Because Christopher needs him to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure there's going to be a third part...maybe even a fourth but I'm leaving it marked as complete because I'm not 100% sure I'll write the next part.


	3. Homesick For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This place that used to feel as much like home as his own home feels foreign now.

He’s fine. It’s fine. Eddie’s been telling himself that for months. He still doesn’t quite believe it, but he’s going to keep thinking it because he needs to. For Christopher's sake and his own sake too. 

The carefully choreographed dance with Buck works well for months. They don’t talk to each other, they don’t see each other. But Christopher still has both of them. It sucks, but it works. 

Until Carla calls him 15 minutes before she’s supposed to pick Chris up from Buck’s place. Car trouble isn’t her fault, Eddie knows that. But why did she have to have car trouble on a day she was supposed to get Chris from Buck? 

Eddie sucks it up though. He doesn’t have a choice. He and Buck can be adults about that. They were friends once. And even if they’re nothing now, they can be in the same room with one another for five minutes. It’s fine. 

If he sits in the spot beside Buck’s jeep for nearly five minutes reminding himself just how fine everything is, well no one needs to know that except him. 

Standing outside Buck’s apartment knocking on the door instead of using the key he no longer has and hasn’t had for months hurts more than he can say. So many things have been  ** wrong ** the last few months, but right now, his kid on the other side of a door that he can’t open anymore feels the most glaringly wrong. 

Just before the door opens, Eddie forces himself to look up, ready to meet Buck’s eyes. He’s fine. 

“Hey, sorry. Carla’s car broke down.” He’s talking as soon as Buck opens the door. Anything to stave off the awkwardness or hurt. “Is Christopher ready to go?” he asks, hovering just outside the door. 

This place that used to feel as much like home as his own home feels foreign now. Which isn’t helped by the fact that Buck just states at him for a moment, hurt flashing across his face before he shakes his head and it’s gone. Eddie pretends he didn’t see it at all.

“Uh y-yeah. He’s...yeah.” 

Not even a moment later, he hears Christopher’s crutches moving across Buck’s floor and he breathes a silent sigh of relief. “Dad! I thought it was Carla after Buck?” 

“Sorry, buddy. Carla had car trouble so it’s just you and me.” He smiles at his son, forever grateful that he’s such a bright, happy kid. Even in the face of change. 

Taking a step back, Eddie watches Buck as he squats down to Christopher’s level to tell him goodbye and make plans for their next Buck and Chris afternoon. He’s missed watching them together. The way their joy is reflected on each other’s face. The way Buck looks at Christopher as though he’s the center of his world. And Christopher looks at Buck as one of the most important adults in his life. 

“Bye, Buck!” Chris says brightly when they separate, moving past Eddie and down the hall. 

“Later.” Eddie can’t bring himself to look at Buck when he says it, just follows his son down the hall. Refuses to look back.

“Bye,” Buck calls. And Eddie pretends not to hear the way his voice breaks at the end.

It’s fine. He’s fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've lost control of this. I don't even know what to say, y'all.


	4. Swallow My Pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can we talk?

It’s almost a month after Eddie had to pick Christopher up from Buck’s place instead of Carla that he gets a text from Buck.

It’s just a picture of Buck and Christopher hanging on Buck’s fridge. Chris had obviously drawn it. Months ago, it would have been welcome. A familiar sight. And he would have texted something, probably completely sappy, back. But that’s not something he and Buck do now.

Eddie knows what Buck’s doing though. Recognizes it for the olive branch he’s trying to extend. But he’s not ready. Not sure he’ll ever be ready to open himself up to Buck again. He’s missed him. It’s been months since they’ve been anything. So of course he misses him. He misses one of the people he’d considered home. But he’s not ready yet.

So he ignores it. Maybe it’s not fair to Buck. But it’s the best thing for him. 

Eddie convinces himself that if Buck reaches out again. Sends him a text with actual words, calls him, _something_ he’ll respond. But Buck lets it go too. He doesn’t get another text from him. And he’s fine with it. Really. 

He knows Buck’s still doing okay. Knows that work is stressful according to Carla. But that he’s happy...thriving. And maybe that hurts a little bit. Hearing about it secondhand through Carla and Christopher isn’t enough but it’s something. It’s fine. Just like he’s been telling himself for months.

And then a few weeks after that first text, Buck finally sends another one. 

**_Can we talk?_ **

And Eddie takes the olive branch this time because he told himself he would if Buck reached out again. That and Buck’s part of the future that he’d imagined. And he can’t just let that go. Even if it hurts a little bit to think about the possibility that this really is going to be goodbye.

He’s found his pre-Buck normal again and it works. Just like it had before. But he knows he’s not the best version of himself. Buck helps make him better. They push each other. And God does he miss Buck. Misses the family the three of them had made. 

So he replies.

**_Yeah...when?_ **

He sends it into the world and leaves everything in Buck’s hands. Letting go of that much control sits heavy in his stomach but there’s nothing he can do. 

It takes Buck a couple of days to respond. It’s almost as though he’d been expecting Eddie to ignore this text just like he had that first one and the fact that he didn’t ignore it, surprises him. Eddie knows that. Even after months he likes to think he still knows Buck. Not like he did before when they were together or even when they were best friends, but he still thinks he knows pieces of who Buck is. He can’t think any other way. Because Buck is important to him. Even after all this time. 

When Buck finally responds, he asks him to come to his apartment. It’s not the neutral territory Eddie had been hoping for. But he still goes. He can’t not go because it’s Buck and he’s never been able to say no to him not when it mattered. Not when it counted. And he thinks Buck knows that.

When Buck answers the door, Eddie can see just how unsure he is. He sees it in the furrow of Buck’s brow. In the way he’s trying and failing not to fidget. He can see it in the way his normally clear blue eyes are clouded with doubt and hurt. and Eddie has to admit, as much as he doesn’t want Buck to be hurt, he’s glad that he can see his own fears reflected so clearly on Buck’s face and in his body language.

There’s the potential that this is going to blow up in their faces. That it’s going to leave them more fractured than they were to begin with. And he doesn’t want that. Even if he and Buck never get back together - and he’s made a reluctant peace with that - he misses his best friend. He wants that person back. If nothing else comes of this, he wants to be able to _talk_ to Buck again. 

“Hey.” Eddie shifts from foot to foot, his own nerves clearly on display as much as he would rather they not be. 

“H-hi. You can...um...come in.” 

Buck’s apartment is the same as he remembers it being the last time he was inside. But he can see the subtle changes too. The proof that Buck’s changed over the last several months. As strange as it is to think about Buck changing without him, he knows he’s changed too. 

“You wanted to talk?” He can’t let the silence linger. Too worried that if he does, neither of them will say anything that matters and they’ll be in the same place they’ve been for months. 

Buck drops into one of the chairs at the kitchen table, pushing the collected papers down further, obviously opening up a space for Eddie. A space Eddie takes without hesitation. 

“Yeah...” Buck smiles at him and Eddie knows this isn’t going to be easy but it’s going to be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's hopeful! 
> 
> You're always welcome to come yell at me on tumblr - I'm there as rydergrace


	5. finding each other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding their way back to one another after far too long apart is a careful dance.

The night they talked, they talked for hours. So long that Eddie had to ask Pepa if Christopher could stay over. She hadn’t been pleased with the last minute change of plans, but she’d caved and Eddie had promised he would make it up to her. 

They spent the time catching each other up on the things they’d missed in their months apart. Hearing it from Buck was so much better than hearing secondhand from Carla and Christopher. 

Talking that night doesn’t fix everything...doesn’t really fix anything. Eddie knew it wouldn’t. They had spent months carefully dancing around each other’s lives. Not talking...not existing together. They’d grown into different people...different versions of who they had been when they were friends, when they were together. It had been necessary.

The first night is a lot of talking, but after that, it’s a careful dance. A dance that leaves them both bruised and bleeding at times. Stumbling through things that had seemed so easy before. It doesn’t take much for Eddie to realize it all seemed easy because they avoided a lot of the hard stuff. He regrets it now... how fiercely he’d guarded his heart to keep from getting hurt only to hurt himself and Buck in the process. They’re both guilty of it though. Hiding parts of themselves to avoid getting hurt.

In the months they spent apart, they’ve grown. Become different versions of themselves. Version the other doesn’t really know anymore. The assumptions they’ve always made, the way they fit together, even when they were friends. It doesn’t work anymore. But it doesn’t feel wrong to Eddie that they don’t work as easily anymore. It feels...like the start of something bigger, better.

It’s a dance of relearning one another. Setting boundaries that weren’t there before. There are no keys to each other’s houses. There are no last-minute invitations to join for outings or meals. Buck has found a life and people who care about him outside of the 118, and in the months they’ve been apart, Eddie’s found those connections too. They’re both busy. They both have full lives outside of work and outside of each other. It feels important that they are learning to coexist with everything else going on in their worlds. Important that they’ll eventually get to share those things with each other. 

It’s work in a way their relationship has never been before. Before they had fallen into being _them_. It happened with little conscious thought from either of them. And when Eddie's being honest, that contributed to them breaking up. They’d fallen into each other so easily as friends that they just assumed they could make a relationship work with that same level of easy falling. But they both brought their own traumas they didn’t share with each other and keeping those things hidden made anything **real** impossible. 

Eddie misses the way they were now that they’re trying to be something again. But he knows this...this rebuilding and setting boundaries and actually talking about things, as much as he’d rather not sometimes, is what they both need. It’s what he hopes will make them stronger. Give them the future he’d been so sure of before. 

The bruises and scars they’re both gaining when things are hard are worth it every time Buck smiles at him and he gets to see his blue eyes light up, dancing with unrestrained joy. They’re worth it when months after they started bridging the gap they’d created he asks Buck to move in, and with the brightest grin Eddie’s ever seen, Buck says yes. 

They’re worth it even later when Buck stammers his way through a proposal Eddie hadn’t been expecting and they both refuse to admit they’re crying when he says yes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're going to call that the end of this. 
> 
> It exists in the teacher!Buck verse so there are a lot of other bits that will probably end up written but for now, this is the end. 
> 
> As always, find me on Tumblr @ [rydergrace](https://rydergrace.tumblr.com/) for all your teacher!Buck needs and/or prompts and/or headcanons or just general 'what the hell are you doing, jamie?'

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr @ [rydergrace](https://rydergrace.tumblr.com/)


End file.
